or? You’re trying to?
— — — — —
A minutes before I wrote this note, I finished watch fireworks (read : kembang api), an Indonesian film. The film talked about 4 people that desperately want to die. I won’t spoil the film, but let me tell you a little bit about it. I put the trigger warning here (because, after I finished the film, I cried, and got myself shaky hands and a knot in my throat) because this film is about suicide mission. There are 4 people, with their own problem, trying to end their life, by turning on a big-giant-ball loaded with enough fireworks to kill them all. But, everytime they push the button, they didn’t die. They just came back in the first place, like, do you ever feel you come to place, and looks familiar, and you have a good memory to that place? That’s how they felt. After there are a lot failed attempt, they started to telling each other their own problem, and for me, that’s when the film began to give me the meaning of urip iku urup, a shining life. For me? That’s an interesting plot, but I warned you, this film (and conversation) annoys me, a lot.
What I find interesting (by saying interesting,
it's mean like heart beat fast, shaky hands, recalling my bad memories, my suicidal thoughts) about this film is the conversation. They are confronting and judging each other, by saying "your problem isn't that bad", " Why do you easily gave up? You're still young ", "are u sure you want to die? It looks like your problem can be solved by being hapy or making friends" You named it, the judgement. They are trying to prove that suicide is their best idea, while they say that everyone shouldn't die easily. Their strong (and weird I think) argument about who should die, and who shouldn't is what makes this film interesting to watch (at least for me)
But I don't want to talk about the storyline.
I just want to talk,
Hey, I don't know what's going on inside your head lately.
I don't know what problems you faced last week.
I don't know what situation makes you feel like you're a crap.
Maybe you talk to someone close to you, maybe you're not.
Maybe you looking for a coping mechanism, maybe you just like me, stand still, looking at the sky, blaming yourself.
Maybe you just find comfort by watching sad movies or you just strolling around at nights, screaming your lungs out, I don't know.
But, Hang in there, buddy.
I can't say something poetic, or inspirational, because there's no exact answer about our life (based from what I felt hahaha) But what I can say is, please don't give up.
It's okay for being dumb together with me (I feel it all the time)
It's okay if you feel that life somehow really harsh to you. (It's not okay, I know, been there myself, but, I just want to say that you're not alone)
It's okay if you been through something worse lately (it's not okay, I know, been there myself, again. And, I just want to say, you're not alone)
It's okay to feel lost, and somewhat being not knowing about where you should go. Because, maybe our timestamp now is being confused, I don't know, i just comforting myself, and I hope I can comforting you, also.
I know it’s depressing, when you can’t control yourself and feel that you should give up, nothing is really matter anymore to you.
I know it’s tiring to feel gloomy and sad all the time, like you can’t experience pure joy in your deepest heart. I must say, hang in there buddy.
we’re in this together.
